How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light
Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark,
check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol
to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and
furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yoquiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time
he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner,
and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in
the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you
when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
-
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
-
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
-
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
-
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually
curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used
is nothing but sarcasm.
-
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
-
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
-
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
-
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets: 1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results
(From a lost chapter in the Book of
Genesis:)
Where Dogs Come From...
Adam was walking in the garden and
cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you
anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
love me."
And God said, "I will create a
companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be
a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have
created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be
a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a
companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass
that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too
well."
And the Lord said, "I will create
for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.
The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a
companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's
eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a rat's butt one way or the other.
I will not play tug-of-war with
Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT
stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the
fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of
my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food,
before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few
remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face
after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not
food.
I will not eat any more socks and
then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie
jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by
sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's
toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist
on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will
not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's
underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the
refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand
when he reaches in for Mom's license.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of
shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to
the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the
cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of
your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything
he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four
times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to
the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far
as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket
out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
Reference:
http://www.kenlarson.net
Pet Diaries: Dog vs. Cat
The Dog's
Diary:
8:00 am
- Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am
- A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am
- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am
- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm
- Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm
- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm
- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm
- Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm
- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm
- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm
- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's
Diary:
Day 983
of my captivity.
My
captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry
nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since
it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There
was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and
smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow,
but at the top of the stairs.
I am
convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than
willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I
observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports
my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog
thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice
house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!
A cat
thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice
house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!"
Reference:
http://www.joke-of-the-day.com